"Warren Buffett Serves Up Ice Cream At Dairy Queen"
What the hell is he doing at Dairy Queen? Can't he pay someone to go to Dairy Queen for him? Also, why the hell is he serving ice cream? He's Warren Fucking Buffett! (Yes, Fucking is his middle name.) He's taking a job away from an illegal immigrant! Sheesh. Do something else, Buffett.
"Shocking Find In McDonald's Sandwich"
"Is New 'Star Trek' Video Game OK For Kids"
Well, considering I knew fourth graders who played Halo, uh, yeah! Seriously. Kids play games in which they gorily shoot each other and enjoy it. I know. I am one, and I do. So, I'm sure some fucking sci-fi nerd game (and I am a Trekkie, by the way) is OK.
"Well, Her Dress Is About To Get Ruined"
There is so much I can do with this, be it gross, dirty, or just plain weird. But I won't. I'll just rub your face in the fact that I can, but won't.
"Prison Life In America Revealed"
Main point here: Don't drop the soap.
"You Don't See Me, But I'm In Your Hotel Room..."
I think this article is on weird, pervy stalkers who have cameras in hotel rooms and watch you change. Either that, or bed bugs. Ok, that one wasn't very funny. Sorry. It's the best I could come up with.
And that's it. Dorkpool's big debut. You're welcome world. Now Sotaar will do his thing.