Hi, listen, if you've been following the site for the past few days(in other words, no one), you've noticed that Sotaar hasn't been all that active, and I, Dorkpool, have been the only one posting. I'm apologizing for him, because all you nonexistant readers probably miss his posts, and wish someone else other than me were posting. So, sorry Sotaar hasn't been posting; he's been busy or unable to get to a computer. Sorry.
Believe it or not, this isn't a rant on how people misspell 'Spider-Man' (It's hyphenated, goddammit!). No, this is about the deaths of two Peter Parkers.
Yeah, you heard me: 2. Though, they're from different timelines. Ok, there's the Ultimate universe, which was basically a reimagined version of Marvel that started in 2000. And there's the mainstream Marvel timeline. In both, Peter Parker died.
In the Ultimate universe, Peter Parker died, and a half black, half Hispanic kid named Miles Morales (son of that universe's Prowler, who for some reason looks like a purple-headed Deadpool) took his place.
See? Purple Headed Deadpool!
In the mainstream Marvel universe, Peter Parker and Doc Ock mindswapped, so that Ock was in Spidey's body, and Spidey in Ock's. Ock's died, with Spidey in it, but for a time a ghost Peter Parker lingered in his body until ghost Parker was erased by a memory-wiping device (don't ask; just...don't).
What interests me is how each of these was covered. FOX News reported the death of Peter Parker and his replacement of Miles Morales. They seemed pretty pissed that a Blackspanic guy (trademark!) replaced Peter Parker.
Ummm, bullshit much?
Yet there was little to no news coverage of the death of mainstream Peter Parker. There could be a few reasons for that: 1) His body's still alive 2) He could probably come back or 3) Most of the world won't be able to follow what the fuck's going on. But, I believe the reason it wasn't so heavily reported is because they replaced Peter Parker with a multi-armed asshole, not a Blackspanic dude.
Superior, my ass!
Which is a little annoying. I mean, at least Miles Morales isn't a murdering douche. Can't say the same about ol' Spider-Ock. Yet, nobody else seems to give a fuck. No one!
I guess it's because Ock wasn't Blackspanic. Or gay. Because I heard Miles Morales was.
I guess those people who kept saying Spider-Man was gay were kind of right. Ish.
I heard on the radio recently that there was a Papa John's racist rant. What happens is that some dipshit employee accidentally left a messsage on a black guys phone that went like this:
"Did he tip you?"
"Not at all." (There was another guy he was talking too)
"I guess that's the only requirement for being a nigger in Sanford. Yeah, they gave me 5 bucks. They're fine outstanding African-American gentlemen of the community...
Yea. Yea. So black that [censored profanity in the news report I saw this on] fire flies follow him around in the daytime."
Ok, I admit, when I first heard about this, my first thought was ,"Oh, goodie. This sounds fun." My thought was hey, I need something to post; why not something about this.
Ok, now, onto the racist rant. First, the reason I wrote 'nigger' and not the other profanity is because, as I wrote, I had no idea what the fuck the other profanity was or I'd have written it. Fuck censorship. Anyway, guys, there are many things in life you don't do: 1) A person with an STD 2) Insult Twilight or 1 Direction in front of teenage girls 3) Butt dial and leave a racist rant message 4) #3 on a black guy's phone. And these dumbasses did #s 3 and 4. Listen, if you're going to say this shit, say it in private. I'm not saying I'm ok with them doing it; I'm not. It's just not something you leave on a BLACK GUY'S PHONE.
You know the sad part about all this? If it hadn't been sent to this guy's phone, then these two dipshits would still have a job and nobody would know or care. And I wouldn't have a post.
Hi, and welcome back to "Dorkpool Reviews", where I, Dorkpool, review things not normally reviewed, like Twitter. Today, I'm reviewing...
Movie critics, it seems, are people who consider themselves superior to others. When they review movies, they, unlike most people, seem to shun action flics, and seem to focus on movies nobody's heard of, yet are supposed to be good.
Don't get me wrong; many movies nowadays are crap, and maybe we should focus on Indie movies, but still...
Also, movie critics seem to have a belief that their opinions are defining and important, though, in actuality, very few people agree with their opinions.
So, to recap, movie critics are self-absorbed, elitist assholes.
That's it for "Dorkpool Reviews"! Be back for the next one!
Greetings humanoids who are reading this (no one, really)! Welcome to a new segment I like to call "Where Are They Now" where I try and think what happened to people who used to be popular. Ready? No? Well, fuck you, let's go!
Remember him? Former Presidential candidate? Wonder what he's up to. I bet he's sitting on the couch alone, eating ice cream, or whatever the hell it is Mormans eat when they're depressed, and watching TV. He's probably saying, "Oh, America, I'm not sad for me, I'm sad for you. You won't last too long without me." Meanwhile, he's probably thinking, "Please, America, take me back! I'll be better! I'll even stop with the whole self-deportation thing! JUST PLEASE TAKE ME BACK!!!!"
Remember ol' "Gangnam Style"? You know, that dance with the song that you couldn't understand because you don't speak Korean? Whatever happened to him?
I think that now Psy is a hobo who harbors a grudge against the "Harlem Shake", and is trying to become popular again with songs like "저에게 돈을주고" (Give me money!).
Oppa Hobo Style!
Waaaaay back during the RNC, Clint Eastwood went on stage and yelled at a chair that was supposed to represent Obama. Where is he now? I heard he was sighted at a furniture store yelling at Ottomans.
That's it for this edition of "Where Are They Now". Join us next time when we find out how Micheal Keaton has been since the 1989 Batman.
I saw Star Trek Into Darkness a little while back. Today, my parents saw it, and were pretty pissed off at it. Why? In order for you to know, I'd have to spoil it. So, I'd like to say here...
They were annoyed since the new movie ripped off of Star Trek: The Wrath of Khan, in some cases in fact simply switching characters and re-enacting scenes. I found it funny; my parents hated it.
Now, I'm a huge Trekkie. I know a lot about it, I speak some Klingonese, and I wore Vulcan ears and a Starfleet science/medical shirt (Original Series) to the showing of Into Darkness.
My parents are fans too (how do you think I was introduced?), yet not as big of a fan I am. Let's consider the fact that I own 88 Star Trek books and have read them all. My parents haven't (they did own some of them though).
They hated the movie, and seem to want J.J. Abrams dead. My mom said, and I quote,
That movie made me embarrassed to call myself a Star Trek fan.
Yeah. That bad to them. Me? I liked it. I found some of the references to Wrath of Khan and the Original Series funny, and overall liked the movie.
So, should you see it? Sure. Have fun. And if you hate it so much that you become angry and homocidal, then get a life. Don't ask me how; I don't have one.
Since Dorkpool posted yesterday, I thought I'd give up my lovely Sunday morning to fill the lives of the viewers we don't have with merriment and happiness. Now, enough with all the B.S., time to get to business. Today's comic is one of my favorites an I hope you'll enjoy it too.
Go ahead and call me "intolerant" but I honestly don't give two shits about your feelings or family history. I'd also like to take a moment to review Twitter from my own point of view:
There's not much you can do in 160 characters, and that's why facebook is so much better. On top of that with all the hashtags people put on posts make up most of the 160 by itself. I'll demonstrate:
#beautiful #selfie #chickenatwork #puddingsack #swag #toomanyhashtags #purpleismylook #ducklips
See? Disgusting. That in itself was a whole lot more than 160 characters (I don't feel like counting). Now let's imagine La Queefa in her whole glory (that's her real twitter name) and I'll just let her image haunt your mind. You're welcome.
I've started a new thing here at Blahcrap called 'Dorkpool Reviews..." where I review anything that catches my attention, be it movies, TV shows, or decisions.
Today I'm reviewing something that I'm not sure can be reviewed: Twitter.
I don't really use Twitter. (I'm more of a Facebook guy, actually.) I don't see much of a point in it. All it is is writing 150-character (at most) Tweets. I'm not quite sure what you can write in 150 characters. Yet, people have. And most of it is bullshit.
Also, you 'follow' people or things. Whenever I hear that, I think follow like walking behind, which leads me to think 'stalking'. Do you stalk people on Twitter?
And it has things that are trending. And, like the Tweets, most of them are bullshit.
Also, the hashtags. Hashtags, it seems, have become a figure of speech, since I hear a lot of people say things like "Hashtag Swag YOLO."
Wonderful. Just wonderful.
So, the verdict?
Twitter is useless, idiotic, and has contributed to the idiocy of modern society in general.
Bird is not the word here. And that was a very bad joke.
(Yes, it's Saturday, and yes, Sotaar is suppoes to post today. But, in all defense, I was busy yesterday and couldn't post. I can now, and Sotaar's ok with it. Now back to the irregularly scheduled post.)
I consider myself Democrat. I'm enough of a Democrat to support Obama and some of the normal Democratic ideas (Less war, raise taxes on the wealthy, allow gay marriage, etc.), but not so much that I have my head up my ass. So, looking at all the recent scandals- Benghazi and the IRS (though I could've sworn there was a third one...)- I have to weigh in. So, first up...
At first, I thought this was an overly-beaten dead horse FOX News kept coming back to. For those of you who don't know what's going on, first, good for you, keeping out of politics. Second, what's going on was that on September 11th, 2012, the U.N. embassy in Benghazi, Libya, was attacked, leading to the death of Ambassador Stevens and less martyr-ish people. So, Ambassador Susan Rice went on all the Sunday morning shows saying it spontaneously erupted from protests regarding a video on YouTube that insulted Muhammed (since Muslims around there haven't heard of Rotten Tomatoes). As it turned out, that was wrong. It was a terrorist attack. Then e-mails were revealed that said that the White House knew it was a terrorist attack, but edited the talking points for political purposes or some shit like that.
Better than protesting, guys!
I have one thing to say on this whole thing: Ugh. Just...ugh. I said I thought this was some overly beaten dead horse FOX News was using to be mean to the president, since, of course, FOX News is biased towards the right. Don't believe me? Then get your head out of your ass.
Now, let's look at the other scandal:
Now, from what I've heard, the scandal went something like this:
The IRS was flagging groups applying for tax-emept status that had Tea Party sounding names for extra review which delayed the groups.
Now, some might say, "Well, the IRS was completely justified, considering that the 'Tea' in 'Tea Party' stands for 'Taxed Enough Already'." Other might be too angry to say anything. Yet others might say, in all infinite wisdom, "Pie." This is an interesting and well-founded view, which is completely ignored by everyone. And I'll have to ignore it too, since I want to make a John Boehner joke.
So, Congress is calling hearings, and no one knows anything, or is pleading the 5th. And John Boehner says he doesn't want to know who will resign because of this scandal, but who will be arrested.
Visual Approximation of John Boehner.
Whoa? Arrested? That's a bit extreme. I mean, sure, they profiled, and that's not right, and sure, they're the IRS, and that's not entirely good either, but arrested? That's a bit over the top. And I know over the top. That's a bit like saying Bill Clinton should've been arrested for cheating on his wife. I mean, sure, getting a bj from an intern in the oval office isn't something I'd support, and neither is having the IRS. Also, the IRS flagging groups for extra review because of its name and political views isn't right either. Nor having no one know about it, except for one person, who pleads the 5th. Why? Because of her lawyer. Which supports something I've been saying for years: Lawyers have no souls.
Ok, I'd like to say more, but I can't because my soulless monster-er, attorney- is saying I should shut up. Then again, who hasn't.
Sorry about yesterday's lack of posting on my part, had a dentist appointment which took WAY too long. That's surprising though, my dentist is Asian, pretty sure that counts as dishonoring his famiry. But anyways, I'm going to post a daily Cyanide and Happiness comic because they're just plain awesome. Here's today's:
This comic really speaks to me... As a child we all had to go through punishments, but I'm glad our parents never had intercourse with us, unless your name is Ian, then, you deserve it (probably only Dorkpool will get the reference). Also, as we grow up and get older and start to build families, remember: sex is for your wife, not your children.
One of my favorite quotes ever comes from a video game character who is without a doubt the wisest person I've ever met without meeting. His name is Cave Johnson, and one time he said:
"Alright, I've been thinking. When life gives you lemons, don't make lemonade - make life take the lemons back! Get mad! I don't want your damn lemons, what am I supposed to do with these? Demand to see life's manager. Make life rue the day it thought it could give Cave Johnson lemons. Do you know who I am? I'm the man who's gonna burn your house down! With the lemons. I'm going to to get my engineers to invent a combustible lemon that burns your house down!"
This solves practically any problem ever, simply. all you have to do, is replace life's manager with whoever is giving you trouble. The police can't take a burnt lemon in for evidence, the fingerprints and DNA would burn off. One last thing before I go, Dorkpool and I were texting this morning, and this is what went down...
Sotaar- Do you believe in ManBearPig?
Now, Dorkpool may have said it before, but as a child I wasn't dropped, I was probably pegged like a football right at a wall. You might think that'd kill someone, but you obviously have never met me.