Now, these events won't be in any particular order, and will be written the way I remember them.
-Miley Cyrus touched herself with a foam finger at the VMAs, and licked a hammer in a music video. Poor Thor. He's going to need that hammer, and it was licked by someone who should really be out of the public eye.
-"What Does The Fox Say" became popular, making a lot of people dance and sing along with an ad. Yeah. That's right. That song was an ad for a TV show.
-The government shut down. Well, officially.
-The doge meme became popular. Wow. Such popular. Very noticed.
-George Zimmerman was proven innocent in the Trayvon Martin case, proving that murder is legal in Florida.
-Manti Te'o was revealed to have a fake Internet girlfriend, unlike my real Internet girlfriend, who needs my credit card number.
-Prince Whatshisbrit and the Dutchess of Cambridge had a child with a long fucking name.
-Anthony Wiener showed more women his wiener.
-The mayor of Quebec is apparently a crackhead. I bet he knows Charlie Sheen.
-Iron Man 3, the first "Phase 2" Marvel movie, completely fucked up the character of the Mandarin. I may be more of a Spider-Man and Deadpool fan, but I'm still pissed about that.
-And finally, on the last day of 2013, on the New Year Rocking Eve show, Miley Cyrus stole Macklemore's jacket. I mean, we never saw her actually take it from him, but my God, the jacket she was wearing looked like Macklemore's.
So that's it for 2013. By now, your Facebook page is filled with "Happy New Year" posts, and you're planning on going to the gym for your New Year's resolution, which you will abandon in a few days. Or perhaps you're hungover from the New Year's Eve party you were at. Where ever you woke up, all I have to say is Happy New Year.
Oh, and the naked guy next to you probably has an STD.
Happy New Year!